Meet Your New Pets!

That damn front door! It seems the moment something good with Big Brother is to happen, they slap that entryway up for the world to see! But wait, what do I hear? The crackle of an evil voice? Nah, its just some bad voice-over explaining the torture twelve new American personalities will endure for the next three months. Cameras and microphones record every move and whisper! Twelve strangers will vie for power! A $500,000.00 prize is up for grabs! Gads, this sounds evil. CBS though, wants its viewers, so we get the run down before the showdown begins. There are those television viewers who still live under a rock, my friends.

The Big Brother house is presented in a quick montage to show us the interior updates. Damn, what improvements they made! Even Julie Chen is accessorized! Her hair alone does wonders compared to the news desk-do she sports on the Early Show. She's excited, you're excited: let the games begin!

Thus, we, who support this CBS misnomer, are introduced to those individuals who will grace our screens for the next three months. Images of each of them flash on the television: One buys a hotdog; one falls over with excitement; one dresses up like a fireman. This, in turn, allows them a chance to give a few quips on why they beat out the other applicants.

People, Meet Your Houseguests:

Amy: Memphis, TN - Amy looks like a really tall Cabbage Patch Kid who holds a little dog. She tells us, "I'm Amy, and if I piss you off, frankly, I don't give a damn!" Oh good, you just flat out asked for it! I'm taking the first shot: Amy is shown drinking during the montage; people, this is called foreshadowing.

Jason: Mobile, AL - Jason is young and thin, and a bit like a string bean with a goatee. "I'm playing for a higher power," he tells us while pointing his finger in the air. Some people have no morals! He disco dances in front of a church feeling that god-like groove. They show him packing his Bible on top of his clothing. Jason thinks God has a good beat, and you can dance to it.

Danielle: Fairfield, CA - Danielle is shown standing in front of the house with her family lending support. She tells us, "I'm Danielle, a classy, sassy diva - just ask my family." Her family looks as if they're smiling in submission while meeting someone's request. After all, she did call herself a Diva.

Marcellas: Chicago, IL - Marcellas is a tall bald man who carries himself on a thin frame. He appears to be at a photo shoot. Even though he's seen the show and knows enough to apply, he never remembered the fact that CBS picks you up, gives you two hours to pack, and throws you into this mess. "I'm going to do it with style," he warns us. Just think people, there might be conceptual sex on the live feeds this year!

Tonya: Las Vegas, NV - Tonya rides a motorcycle. Well, she's on the back of a motorcycle. She looks a bit like Heather Locklear. "I'm from Sin City!" she exclaims. I guess while working for ABC it remains Spin City, but when signing the CBS contract, for legal purposes, it becomes Sin City.

Gerry: Shadow Hills, CA - Gerry is bald and flaunts a grimace like a gay slave master. He's married to a woman that clings to her Pomeranian while expressing her grief at his going. He is older, heavyset, and sports a gray beard. He has a yin-yang necklace that looks like it was purchased at Spencer Gifts. Apparently, he is a teacher who forewarns us "I'm going to teach those kids a lesson." Go ahead, but one tip, don't teach them 12 bar blues or how to sing.

Roddy: Morristown, NJ - Now I've been to Morristown, repeatedly, and I don't ever remember seeing that type of greenery in the background. Roddy is a few shades short of Huey Lewis. He plays golf. He also seems to caddy for an old guy he calls "Gramps". Roddy will have to cancel his dinner plans with friends, as he's about to eat in front of a whole group of new ones - for three months. He doesn't dig certain types, like religious folk, or new age hippies, as it's not hip to be square.

Lori: Superior, WI - Lori taunts her children that she is going on Big Brother this summer. She loves country life. She's "a small town girl who has big aspirations!" She has a funny accent. I guess Krista's lawsuit is settled, and with some make-up magic, they agreed to let her back in. Someone hide the Ny-Quill.

Josh: Queens, NY - Josh likes to slap a lady on the ass. Josh uses neon lighting in the places he hang out at to illuminate the shine of his body hair. Josh tells us, "I'm the Joker." Yeah, you and a million other Steve Miller Fans, buddy.

Chiara - New York, NY- Chiara buys hot dogs in Central Park. Chaira is making sure her father knows her bills are coming his way. Chiara and her friends look like they are trying out as understudies for Sex in the City. Chiara has tan skin, brown shoulder length hair, and tells us, "I'm Chiara. I'm the girl next door that will kick your ass!" Possibly, but watch out, especially if Amy proves a violent drunk.

Lisa: Los Angeles, CA - Lisa tells her barflies that she's outta there and into something new. Her plan is simply stated: "I plan to go through the men and eighty-six the women". Lisa is young and attractive. She remains frightened, however, she won't be able to sleep without her cat. I won't even go crude on this one, just let your imagination take over and insert a comment here.

Eric: Milford, CT - Eric appears to either be leaving for, or having just returned from, an actual firefight. No one seems to mind that he's leaving though if he is indeed about to fight a fire. I realize that we, as an American culture, now have a higher respect for firefighters and policemen. "When the lights go out, I'm full of surprises!" Eric warns us. Let us hope those surprises don't bring our national heroes to a sub-hero status. He tells the camera: " Big Brother, bring it on!" Just don't bring your fireman outfit, or do, but make sure you wear it daily in the backyard.

Well now let the games begin! Julie warns the houseguests that they're going to have to make a run for their beds. The first group takes to the house. Eric, Gerry, Lisa, and Amy hightail it to the medium sized room. There are four beds with blue and green comforters; this is also called the tiki room, though it is neither tiki, nor a room when you get to the heart of it. They also have a glass wall to the adjoining army barracks some other four fools will be forced to sleep in for the next few months. The next group, consisting of Lori, Chiara, Marcellas, and Roddy, who, in turn, bolt around the whole house looking for beds. Confusion leads them to the room that has the army cots, but they're quick to steal the room with comfort still in it. Granted, the ladies will have to share a bed, but they at least get a mattress. Meanwhile, Danielle, Josh, Tonya, and Jason get the army cots; well, Jason gets a piece of plywood with a pillow nailed down to it.

After their sleeping quarters are secure, CBS loads them up with liquor to get to know each other. Amy's eyes light up! Josh takes the floor, as he points out to us, "I'm the leader". Marcellas, however, doesn't think his funny guy act is to fly. He'd rather see this new neighbor gone. Josh, meanwhile, thinks Marcellas is trying to snatch the coveted Boogie award this year and plans on getting him out of the house ASAP; He can't be upstaged. Danielle doesn't like Amy. Amy has issues with Northern accents, so Jason is key in her book; he's from Alabama. Lisa thinks they're all pretty attractive, and Amy backs it up to the group while slugging back another vodka mixer. Eric and Roddy stay quiet except for telling us their day jobs: Firefighter and writer, respectively. Tonya points out she is the mother of five children, but Lisa believes all that got her was a pair of implants. Chiara thinks Eric is cute: My god, they've already started up!

Julie's head appears on the screen to inform them that they are about to partake in their first challenge. The cabinets are currently stocked with Peanut Butter and Jelly, but they'll be given a chance to win more food once they hit the basketball court. The backyard of the Big Brother house has been transformed into a series of treetops, each with its own nest. The houseguests are placed in front of a table filled with food. Each one has to grab a bag, fill it up and climb up into the tree. Each nest must be occupied in a male/female duo and be fully in the nest with their bags. If they complete the mission, the extra food is theirs. Each group manages to get into the nest and is given the second part. Whatever duo can sit it out the longest gets a stipend of three thousand dollars per week until the one half is voted out. They all get comfortable. Amy starts to drink, as she grabbed the beer. Gerry isn't too happy about this, as he thinks it isn't too smart! Eric and Chiara are pretty comfy. Marcellas is determined, but Danielle doesn't want to win and be a target (after all she's got meat in her bag). Josh and Lisa start discussing to each other who they should boot. One by one, the groups come down until finally Lori and Jason are left standing. They win the prize and everyone groups back in the house for more socialization. Day 1 draws to an end.

On Day 2, the first Head of Household competition is up for grabs. With first impressions still rampant, the houseguests answer a series of questions that places them on the chopping block eliminating them from the chance of nominating two others. Lisa would steal your significant other. Josh is the attention getter. Marcellas, like others before him, has the tendency to clean a toilet bowl with your toothbrush. The final two in the running are Lori and Lisa to become the first H.O.H. this season. Lisa, in an eight to two vote, snags the title, thus, preparing us for the dramatics that are yet to come.

Julie returns to let us know that is all we get tonight. She changed her outfit and her hair yet again, so we got more than we bargained for in the first place. Lisa holds the power, but how will she use it? Will Josh and Marcellas get into this seasons first catfight? Oh Brother, we're in for yet another season of fun, and the game has just started.